The morning started off just as crazy as any other morning and we were of course running late. Backes ran away, Jeff over slept, I was on the phone with the ridiculous insurance company for 45 minutes, and Declan, aka the walking tornado, was being his tornado two year old self. Go figure! After we got our lives together, we dropped Declan off with his Grandma Christi. We rushed over to the lab to give the doctors an ungodly amount of blood for all the usual prenatal tests. I had been dreading the blood giving, hence the reason it was put off for a wee bit. Blah! As we were sitting and chatting with the vampire nurse, one of my Mommy "feelings" took over. I couldn't help but feel that something was terribly wrong with my baby! Immediately, thinking that Declan was hurt, I text Christi to see if he was okay. He was perfectly fine, watching his Planes movie. But, the dread didn't leave. Maybe it was just nerves? Or the needle that had just flown out of my stinkin arm? Or having to be stuck more than once?! Or the loss of 8 vials of blood?! (I am incredibly dramatic when it comes to giving blood, I know) Either way, I was sick to my stomach and scared. Mama instincts are always right...my heart knew how the day was going to unfold before my mind did. I prayed for peace and carried on.
When we reached the ultrasound tech office we were greeted with paperwork and a meeting with a Genetic Counselor. Say What?! Jeff and I were awfully confused, and a little peeved. We have zero immediate genetic disorders in our family history and thought we had opted out of the genetic screening. Throughout our pregnancy with Declan, we had frequent ultrasounds to check my cervix, look at D's development, and of course to get pictures of how stinkin cute he is! We thought we were coming in for the first of these checks and to be sure our baby was growing appropriately in the other uterus. This baby just so happened to be in the opposite uterus than what Declan was in. To say my body is a small circus is an understatement. We wrapped up the meeting with the Genetic Counselor and off we went to the ultrasound. The technician didn't tell us much or want to talk. She didn't want to hear about our miscommunication with the genetic screening either. She just kept taking pictures. We'd catch a glimpse of baby's foot and hand... and we saw the most precious little toes and fingers! She didn't stop or discuss anything and she certainly wasn't in awe of how adorable and acrobatic our baby was. We thought maybe she had just had a really bad morning or hadn't had her Starbucks yet. She surely wasn't a happy camper. I was hoping she'd stop for just a second and take one of those cute profile pictures that I cherish of Declans, or let us see our babies cute little face...but she didn't. Asking if she'd take a peek at baby's jewels was clearly out of the question. I decided I needed to bring this lady a latte next time we came in. She needed some love.
She stood up and said she was sending the images over to Mercy for the doctor to review. (Typical procedure). We thought about just getting up and leaving. Jeff wasn't happy about the miscommunication and I was sad that I didn't get the pictures that I love oh-so much. Whats a girl gotta do to see her baby?! We were pretty put off by her coldness towards us too. (A latte and a gift card next time, for sure!) As we were pondering what to do next and thinking about how much this unwanted genetic screening was going to cost us, she walked back in. She was a whole new woman this time around, chipper and pleasant! We wanted this tech 10 minutes ago! sheesh! She said that she had just spoken with Dr. Ott down at Mercy. He asked that we go down to the hospitals perinatal unit for the ultrasound. Apparently, the pictures she was getting, weren't all that clear. (Maybe because shes being such a crab apple, I thought!) Dr. Ott wanted us to take the images down there with their devices. Ugh, another bump in the day! I attempted to explain, again, how the genetic screening wasn't something that we wanted in the first place and how we were under the impression that we were here for a cervical/ development check. Her words were, " I strongly suggest you go."
The dread came back full force.
Makes me ill just typing it. :(
She stood up and said she was sending the images over to Mercy for the doctor to review. (Typical procedure). We thought about just getting up and leaving. Jeff wasn't happy about the miscommunication and I was sad that I didn't get the pictures that I love oh-so much. Whats a girl gotta do to see her baby?! We were pretty put off by her coldness towards us too. (A latte and a gift card next time, for sure!) As we were pondering what to do next and thinking about how much this unwanted genetic screening was going to cost us, she walked back in. She was a whole new woman this time around, chipper and pleasant! We wanted this tech 10 minutes ago! sheesh! She said that she had just spoken with Dr. Ott down at Mercy. He asked that we go down to the hospitals perinatal unit for the ultrasound. Apparently, the pictures she was getting, weren't all that clear. (Maybe because shes being such a crab apple, I thought!) Dr. Ott wanted us to take the images down there with their devices. Ugh, another bump in the day! I attempted to explain, again, how the genetic screening wasn't something that we wanted in the first place and how we were under the impression that we were here for a cervical/ development check. Her words were, " I strongly suggest you go."
The dread came back full force.
Makes me ill just typing it. :(
As we walked out I cried. I knew something was wrong. The whole day was wrong and the last 45 seconds with that tech just didn't add up. Jeff said I needed to calm down and that everything was just fine. They just needed better pictures, like she said. I still cried and Jeff still thought I was overreacting. What male wouldn't, I guess? I kinnnnnda had been a hormonal mess all morning. Jeff had to get back to work (and probably needed a break from my crazy) so I took him back to the house so that he could go. Since it was just for better images for our unneeded genetic screening he didn't need to come. So he thought.
I got to the perinatal center and waited. I looked through the Parents magazine and saw all these super neat things that I needed to add to my baby wish list. A Binky that covers the nipple when it falls to the floor, or when the damn dog tries to use it? Yes please! Breast milk savers?! YES please! A monitor that alarms me if the baby doesn't move for 15 seconds while sleeping? YES PLEASE! Tommee Tipee bottles were on sale for $9.99 at Target?! I better get over there when I leave here.
As I got towards the end of the magazine they had 2014 baby names. Right there in beautiful big bold magnetic letters was... Luca! The name Jeff and I had picked out if our munchkin were to be a boy. For the first time that day my heart felt happy and at ease!
As I got towards the end of the magazine they had 2014 baby names. Right there in beautiful big bold magnetic letters was... Luca! The name Jeff and I had picked out if our munchkin were to be a boy. For the first time that day my heart felt happy and at ease!
The ultrasound tech called me back. SHE WAS SO NICE! As we walked back her cute bubbly personality made my heart even happier. We got back to the room and she introduced me to the other tech who she was shadowing. They were both so incredibly kind. They asked me so many questions about our peanut and our Declan. She let me look at every square inch of my babies cute little body and commented on what a mover he was. She was even impressed with baby's strong little heart beat.
When she got to the baby's face I squenched and let out a giggle.
"Is it completely weird when people say how cute their baby is on these things?" I asked.
"Not at all." she lovingly replied.
The babies face wasn't quite all there in the image. It was ghostly, and skinny. I should have known right there, but I thought that my little baby was far too beautiful and far too precious for me to see past it.
As she swooped by the babies cute little butt I saw something awesome!!!!
"Its a boy! Isn't it?! I just saw his wiener!" I exclaimed.
They both laughed and said "Yup! Of course you are only 14 weeks and its too early to completely tell (I think they have to say that) but it looks like a boy to us!"
When she got to the baby's face I squenched and let out a giggle.
"Is it completely weird when people say how cute their baby is on these things?" I asked.
"Not at all." she lovingly replied.
The babies face wasn't quite all there in the image. It was ghostly, and skinny. I should have known right there, but I thought that my little baby was far too beautiful and far too precious for me to see past it.
As she swooped by the babies cute little butt I saw something awesome!!!!
"Its a boy! Isn't it?! I just saw his wiener!" I exclaimed.
They both laughed and said "Yup! Of course you are only 14 weeks and its too early to completely tell (I think they have to say that) but it looks like a boy to us!"
"Its my Luca!" I shouted. :)
Now, I must be honest, before the ultrasound if people asked if I preferred one gender over the other my reply was that I prayed for a healthy baby no matter what, but Id really love a girl. I was nervous at my reaction if I was told it was a boy. I know Id be happy but I thought a slight disappointment might linger. When I saw that image I cant tell you how much I smiled and how thrilled it made me. It felt so perfect and so right. The thought of not having a baby girl didn't cross my mind or bother me one bit. There, on that screen, was our baby Luca!
Dr. Ott poked his head in and asked the tech to come let him know when they were ready to do the vaginal ultrasound.
They left the room and I text Jeff. He was going to be so mad that he missed this! I text him how awesome these techs were and that I knew what we are having!!!! :)
I tired to think about how Id tell him that night. Should I get him a card? Cook a special dinner? What could I whip up super quick? I 'd check Pinterest when I was all done...they'll have a creative way to tell him its a boy! Good thing I have time to go to Target!
The techs came back in, set me up for the lovely (insert eye roll) vaginal ultrasound, and Dr. Ott entered. I seriously thought he was coming in to check my cervix (someone finally remembered!).
"Let me get a look at his face." he said. "Stop. Right there." He peered in closer. "Okay. Turn it off."
OHHHH MYYYYY GOSH! That wasn't my cervix. What the f*#$ was going on?! Why the hell didn't Jeff come?! I told him something was wrong. I started panicking and I know I looked just as terrified as I felt. My heart was racing. My stomach flipped and flopped. I couldn't breathe. Tears were right back in my eyes.
Dr. Ott came over to the side of the bed. I immediately covered my face and braced myself.
It is all a complete blur. In the few sentences that he spoke he explained that my baby, my Luca, had Anencephaly. Something about his skull. Something about his brain. Something wasn't right with him. Dr. Ott said he saw it on the ultrasound from O'Fallon but didn't want to tell me over the phone.
I am So grateful for that.
It is all a complete blur. In the few sentences that he spoke he explained that my baby, my Luca, had Anencephaly. Something about his skull. Something about his brain. Something wasn't right with him. Dr. Ott said he saw it on the ultrasound from O'Fallon but didn't want to tell me over the phone.
I am So grateful for that.
"Is it...will he?" I stuttered and couldn't finish the sentence, find the words, but he knew what I was going to say.
"Yes, hun. Its Lethal."
As I read this, my heart aches for you. I had a similar reaction as you, with your gut feeling, right before we found out our son had Spina Bifida. My love to you as you struggle to find a cure! To me it sounds like you are well on your way to making enough of a splash to get the ball rolling. Lots of love and prayers!
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